WAKING UP: (not my words but good ones I'd like to follow, to teach, to live)Each moment of our lives, each moment that is given to us to live, we have to live very deeply. If you are capable of living deeply one moment of your life, you can learn to live the same way all the other moments of your life. Make each moment an occasion to live deeply, happily, in peace. Each moment is a chance for us to make peace with the world... The world needs our happiness. The practice of mindful living can be described as the practice of happiness, the practice of love. The capacity of being happy, the capacity of being loving, is what we have to cultivate in our lives. Understanding is the very foundation of love. And looking deeply is the basic practice.ABOUT ME: Born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area... third generation. Sound nice? It's actually been pretty boring 'til now because, unfortunately, I've failed to take advantage of where I live and do some of the really nice things that can be done around here. But I'm trying to change all that now. I'd also like to do more traveling and maybe that will happen soon. I was a cop and was in the insurance industry. I enjoyed many parts of those jobs but I'm also out of that now. I'm always eager to learn new things. Now I'm working for a Bio-Tech company that's small but growing. I'm trying to learn some programing, network architecture, systems maintenance... a LOT! Love what I'm learning and it ties in well with the new job.
NEW STUFF: hmmmm... well, lots going on lately. There's two people in the last couple of years that have changed my life dramatically, Wing and Tetsu. They come from different cultures and ways of life. They have different views, different "styles", different outlooks on life, and yet they are two people who I love dearly. More on them later...
ABOUT LOVE: Time to update life... Here we go again... Love IS indeed a wonderful thing but sometimes it hurts... or maybe that happens when its that there just isn't enough of it between two people? So what is "not enough"? I don't have the answer... maybe God or Buddha or Allah or Superman or Jimmy Carter (he's got a good chance I think) or whomever it is out there that really knows, will let us mortal men in on the secret someday.
Oh! maybe that's it... it has to remain a secret and the stories you hear about finding true love that comes like a bolt of lightning out of the sky are true. Have I found that yet? Have you? Is that REALLY what it should be like?
I have to believe I suppose that there must be other ways to find true love. I mean it's only logical that you should be able to fall in love with someone after getting to know them... finding out how wonderful they are... finding out that they love the things you love... finding out how they live and what they want... Yeah, that's logical huh?
Ok, but what if LOVE has nothing to do with logic? UH OH! Yeah, that's a possibility too I suppose.
Growing up in the SF Bay Area you might expect that I was exposed to gay life early on. Strangely enough, that didn't happen. I knew I was attracted to other men about the time I was in 7th. grade I think, but it wasn't a feeling I recognized as something I could do anything about and it seemed from comments heard that there was guilt attached to it, so I suppressed it. In high school I heard a little more about those feelings and even read a bit about it, but what I heard then was
"... oh it will pass, just forget it, grow up, get married, etc, etc.. and it will all go away..." Yeah, right.
Well, I grew up, finally got married when I was 34 to someone who was in love with me and who I thought was a pretty good match. Was I in love with her? Yes, in many ways I was. In some ways not so much and in some ways we really didn't get along that well. Was it a mistake getting married? No, I don't think so. Certainly my life would have been different but perhaps not better. Hey, that was the beginning of the whole AIDS thing. I could have quite easily ended up dead if I had decided to pursue the gay life then. Anyway, we had a daughter and that was, and is, one of the best loves in my life. We spoiled her and yes, there's some things we did wrong in raising her but all-in-all I think we did a pretty good job. I think the one thing that I'm most proud of as a parent is that she's turned out to be honest and she doesn't pre-judge anyone. She takes people one at a time without any re-conceived notions about what they're like or should be like. I think she does it without thinking about it and thats the way it should be. Some day more of us will come to realize that's the way it should be and equality will finally gain some ground.
Anyway, none of us is an expert on love. Some of us think we are I guess, but there's no way that can be. I think I have a slightly different view on it but I'm no expert... NO WAY!... I DO feel we all can (and should) love more than one person. No, I'm not advocating polygamy, and no, I'm not talking about sex! I just think it shouldn't be a sad thing to tell someone you love that you also love someone else. Are we so "needy" (or greedy) that we also have to limit our love to just us and our partner? Hey! Love is never-ending and has no limits. It's also not necessarily the "same" for each person that we love. We can love our mothers, our fathers, our brothers and sisters... why not someone who's not related by blood or marriage? I wrote above about my love for my daughter and for Tetsu and Wing. I do love them. More than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I've never met anyone like them and I doubt I ever will. It's certain that I'll never have the same "kind" of love for someone else. At the same time though I've broken someone else's heart. I've caused a great sadness for myself and for others around me because we're not always "allowed" to be happy for each other's "love". Yeah, part of that is a straight "man's thing" I think. LOL
MY SECRET LIFE: The secret is that I don't have a secret life. Not anymore anyway. In the last few years I've found that I need to be more honest with myself and with others in order to live a worthwhile life. It's working really well. I've made new friends who are probably the best friends I've ever had, all because I'm ME with them. I've given up trying to be what people expect me to be or what I think they want me to be.
I just came "out" a few years ago. Physically at least, I guess I'm attracted to Asian men mostly... (well, "smooth" men...I've met a few latin and black guys I find very attractive too)... but that's a shallow view. I really enjoy learning about other cultures. There's a certain caring and peacefulness especially in Asian cultures that I really enjoy. As I mentioned though, just as I love learning new things, I love meeting new friends and finding out about them and their likes and dislikes. Friendship is first and I value it a great deal.
OK, I've got a better start on this blog thing now... just gotta keep doing it :)) ((hugs))..
My Interests: Computers, the Internet, Cooking, Photography, movies, reading... I often read more than one book at a time :-)... Right now I'm reading a couple of books on PC Stuff, the Dali Lama's books, Yukio Mishima's books. Finding a lot of foreign movies that are REALLY good.
A brief start to something that I hope to expand to my web site (gotta build the page first). Me? A gay white male (GWM) "Bear" in search of friends, love, happiness and maybe a little fortune... no fame necessary. As usual, in the midst of beginning this endeavor I've been interrupted. I WILL be back.
